26: My Daddy was there.

I collapsed. And not in some petty, bad romance novel thing where she collapses to her knees as the smallest thing goes wrong. I mean, completely, legs gone, can't breathe, shaking all over collapsed with a side of panic attack thrown in for good measure.
I managed to get my phone and I managed to text my Dad (thank god for auto-correct in these moments). He comes upstairs, whining about how demanding I was being. He comes into my room to see me, lying on the floor, having trouble breathing, and just sits next to me, holds my hand and then just sat there with me, held me up to give me a drink, and then just lay me back down.
He did grill me about my messy room, and I did feel shittier because of it, but at least he sat with me.
I  hated that I couldn't move. That I couldn't feel my hands. That my legs wouldn't stop shaking. That my hands and feet were burning and numb at the same time. That I couldn't catch my breath. That I couldn't not feel sick, but couldn't be sick either.
But he didn't leave, just sat there until I could sit up, and then he moved me to my bed. Where I'm about to go to sleep, but I just wanted to document the fact that, even as I was immobile, shaking, crying and in pain, my dad sat next to me, (he may have called me a dramaqueen and get prissy about my room) but he sat there for a long time, holding my hand and talking to me.
It counts.

25: Screaming matches that never end well in any situation.

So, after an hour of a screaming match that started out as a simple disagreement on where my sister charger has gone, developed into a full on screaming match, making me scrambling to hold onto my sanity, my mother ignoring my increasing panicked voice at not being able to control my actions as I was losing it, and now all my stuff is apparently going to be in the rubbish by evening tomorrow, because I'm a dirty person who lives in a shit pit of a bedroom that apparently needs to be tidied.

So... I'm half delirious with the fact that I can't even begin to try and act normal, I'm shaking, and now panicked that the things that keep me sane, my patterns, my safe place, is going to be stripped and thrown out, like the "worthless junk" that it is.

It doesn't matter how many times I explain it to my parents, but I. Can't. Not. Have. Patterns. If I don't have my patterns, I forget everything. I go into this trance like state, like now kinda. I have no filter, I'm out of it, tired all the time, and in pain constantly, whether it be my stomach, head, bones, or just psychological that won't go away. You can't scream at me for too long, before I snap. You can't try and take my safe place away from me, otherwise I'll snap.

And I'm sooooo close to snapping.

24: Halloween

Happy Halloween. Here's my Halloween doodles for you're pleasure.

Saph

23: Loose around the edges.

Lets just say, I'm a bit loose around the edges these days. I'm forgetting things, not able to control anything that I do, I'm twitchy, and you know? I'm pretty volatile to anybody I deem unimportant. Which is pretty much everyone but a few.
There's something wrong, but I feel kinda good doing it. Which means that it's really wrong, because I've been this way before, and it did not end well. It never ends well. But I have no idea how to get my mind back, under control.
If I wait it out, I may never get myself back. If I try to get help again, it'll take to long and I may have already lost it. I tried to tell my mum, but she didn't understand. I can't feel things anymore. She thinks it's just stress of college getting back to me, but it's not. It's been a long time coming for me to loose myself this much. I just didn't want to see it. She says I'm okay with my friends, but I barely remember anything that I'm doing or have done near them. I don't remember doing my work, I don't remember jokes that I've told, things I just said seconds before. I can't remember. And it's scaring me. And I think Mum is starting to realize something it wrong with me again.

I don't want something to be wrong. I was getting better. Atleast my new friends (mainly Lauren) have just passed it of as me being a bit odd. But how long till they realize it's something more? Deeper? Something that needs to be fixed...?


Saph