26: My Daddy was there.

I collapsed. And not in some petty, bad romance novel thing where she collapses to her knees as the smallest thing goes wrong. I mean, completely, legs gone, can't breathe, shaking all over collapsed with a side of panic attack thrown in for good measure.
I managed to get my phone and I managed to text my Dad (thank god for auto-correct in these moments). He comes upstairs, whining about how demanding I was being. He comes into my room to see me, lying on the floor, having trouble breathing, and just sits next to me, holds my hand and then just sat there with me, held me up to give me a drink, and then just lay me back down.
He did grill me about my messy room, and I did feel shittier because of it, but at least he sat with me.
I  hated that I couldn't move. That I couldn't feel my hands. That my legs wouldn't stop shaking. That my hands and feet were burning and numb at the same time. That I couldn't catch my breath. That I couldn't not feel sick, but couldn't be sick either.
But he didn't leave, just sat there until I could sit up, and then he moved me to my bed. Where I'm about to go to sleep, but I just wanted to document the fact that, even as I was immobile, shaking, crying and in pain, my dad sat next to me, (he may have called me a dramaqueen and get prissy about my room) but he sat there for a long time, holding my hand and talking to me.
It counts.

25: Screaming matches that never end well in any situation.

So, after an hour of a screaming match that started out as a simple disagreement on where my sister charger has gone, developed into a full on screaming match, making me scrambling to hold onto my sanity, my mother ignoring my increasing panicked voice at not being able to control my actions as I was losing it, and now all my stuff is apparently going to be in the rubbish by evening tomorrow, because I'm a dirty person who lives in a shit pit of a bedroom that apparently needs to be tidied.

So... I'm half delirious with the fact that I can't even begin to try and act normal, I'm shaking, and now panicked that the things that keep me sane, my patterns, my safe place, is going to be stripped and thrown out, like the "worthless junk" that it is.

It doesn't matter how many times I explain it to my parents, but I. Can't. Not. Have. Patterns. If I don't have my patterns, I forget everything. I go into this trance like state, like now kinda. I have no filter, I'm out of it, tired all the time, and in pain constantly, whether it be my stomach, head, bones, or just psychological that won't go away. You can't scream at me for too long, before I snap. You can't try and take my safe place away from me, otherwise I'll snap.

And I'm sooooo close to snapping.

24: Halloween

Happy Halloween. Here's my Halloween doodles for you're pleasure.

Saph

23: Loose around the edges.

Lets just say, I'm a bit loose around the edges these days. I'm forgetting things, not able to control anything that I do, I'm twitchy, and you know? I'm pretty volatile to anybody I deem unimportant. Which is pretty much everyone but a few.
There's something wrong, but I feel kinda good doing it. Which means that it's really wrong, because I've been this way before, and it did not end well. It never ends well. But I have no idea how to get my mind back, under control.
If I wait it out, I may never get myself back. If I try to get help again, it'll take to long and I may have already lost it. I tried to tell my mum, but she didn't understand. I can't feel things anymore. She thinks it's just stress of college getting back to me, but it's not. It's been a long time coming for me to loose myself this much. I just didn't want to see it. She says I'm okay with my friends, but I barely remember anything that I'm doing or have done near them. I don't remember doing my work, I don't remember jokes that I've told, things I just said seconds before. I can't remember. And it's scaring me. And I think Mum is starting to realize something it wrong with me again.

I don't want something to be wrong. I was getting better. Atleast my new friends (mainly Lauren) have just passed it of as me being a bit odd. But how long till they realize it's something more? Deeper? Something that needs to be fixed...?


Saph

22: Missing people

Is it me or if you don't scream at people, they don't give two shits? In the past 2 months only... 3 out of 7 of my "friends" has actually talked to me or seen me on a regular basis. And Im not saying everyday, but yano, once a week atleast?
I honestly want to just say "Fuck it. I'll just keep Jessy." But then I feel guilty for even considering blowing these people off if they talk to me... I have no idea what to do... I'm stuck at home all the time. Thank god college is starting soon and I'm getting a job soon. But there's only so much time you can just sit and go "Oh, I'm sure they're just busy..." When they've said they can't see you the day before you've arranged to see them. Twice.
When will I actually be counted as someone who's important?

Saph

21: and I was sleeping so well

So, i've suffered from nightmares because of past experiences, for about... 3 years now I guess. And I thought I was getting better, what with my last therapy session and the docs telling me I'm all healthy now. But no. I went to bed at 5am last night and I'm still awake again at 3.30 with no tiredness as of yet. And every night for the past week iv woken up at some godforsaken time scared shitless and I have to force myself back asleep...
I honestly thought I was getting better at sleeping...
Sleep tight tonight, Saph

20: college student and all that

So I just spent 4 hours enrolling into college :) I'm no officially a student at an art college ^^
Saw 2 people I knew, and let's just say that I will never forget their faces at seeing me there haha. Apparently they forgot they were going to aamw college as me. What's even funnier is that, one of them used to be my best friend then decided to ditch me for my ex boyfriend and she couldn't even look me in the face. The other one missed me at prom and the blush on his face when I went ansia cat next to him was one of then funniest things! He's a complete dork but he entertained me for a vita atleast.

So. I'm a student now. 2 years till I'm in America studying psychology. Can't wait :)

Laters, Saph

19: My art #1

It's just a doodle and I really can't do hands, but its pretty decent ^^

Laters, Saph

18: my dogs...

So I have 2 dogs. One is a 5 year old pure breed German shepherd. And the other is... A 11 year old mutt, a border collie crossed with a spring a spaniel.

You can see the difference. Bahah
Laters, Saph

17: old passions

I used to iceskate and I was bloody good at it, and I've just started up again and, I honestly couldn't be happier. Yes, I'm now stuck on a better diet, yes, its tiring, and yes, I will have to pay for it myself. But it feels worth it when I feel the ice underneath my skates... It's perfect. And I can't wait to go practice again tomorrow.

Laters, Saph

16: lateness

So my phone was being stupid and wouldnt let me upload three last two posts. They were days ago! So sorry!
Anyway, I've died my hair (i look like rogue from xmen which I've wanted to since I was in year 7), had a makeover and am now wearing other clothes, and by god am I happier :)

Small update, laters, Saph

14: roadtrip through Spain

So slightly crazy and grouchy but other than that all is good ^^ I've been sleeping a lot, but when I'm awake stunning scenery. Like. Really stunning.

Laters, Saph

15: continuation of roadtrip but through France!

Woo for the frogs. Nan's already flipped some off for being pillocks but their entertaining themselves. Everytime my music lulls for a bit, I hear them giggling over something, which is nice to hear! Their McDonald's tastes shittier than ours, just saying. But again. Prettyfullness. It's keeping me entertained at least ^^
Only 12 hours left...
Laters, Saph

13: the earth says hello

Sunrise. Just saying.

I'm never bloody up for that -.-
Laters, Saph!

12: I'm leaving in a car, yay (8)

Yeah sucky joke but its like 6 am. And I'm running on 4 hours sleep. I'm off home to England and we're driving there. 21 hours in a car if we drive constantly... 2 days in the car... With me, my sister (19), my mum (er... Let's go with 21 o.O) and my Nan (who gets annoyed at EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING!).

Erm I'm going to go insane... Laters (2 days laters), Saph x

11: Sherlock Holmes in a pub

So I was at a pub, doing karaoke (its Spain and I can actually sing) Andy I'm sat having a laugh and I notice this bad boy on the wall. I'm in Spain, at a local bar, having a karaoke night, and they've got an old Sherlock Holmes poster casually hanging. I just thought woah what?

So that's my random thought of the night!
Laters, Saph.

10: anitsocial me

So I've been out everyday for the past week. In England I do not leave my house for weeks at a time. So tonight I've decided I was gunna stay home, and that's what I did. While my sister, my Nan ansia my mama went out, I stayed at home and somehow managed to find a really good fanfiction (with some majorly good smut in it, pworh!) So, that's what I've done all night, read on my phone (my laptops back in England -.-) and now, I'm tired! I'm gunna catch up on my Z's before my family get home ansia decide they wanna talk to me. Hopefully if I'm asleep, they'll leave me alone haha

Laters, Saph

9: theme parks in Spain!

So I went to the main theme park in my area called Terra Mítica (fancy Spanish words basically meaning "world of mystical" or something.) It's a theme park that's got all the different area with rides based on history like Rome and Greece. You get a free pass to go the next day  so I went twice my friends, which was great tbh, and at night its beautiful. All the rides light up and its stunning. Truly. I'm nackered now though haha after 2 days at a theme park!

Laters, Saph

8: Ice cream on the sea front

It's oreo icecream!

7: Clear blue sky's

I love how bright this place is. Its a whole another world here. I love it.

Laters, Saph

6: My home

This house is so beautiful, and I haven't really been able too be here as much as the rest of my family. In the picture of the trees, that little bit of blue is the sea, so I really don't live that far away.. who needs a pool? Haha.
It's humid so its messing with my asthma but to be here, I can live with that :)

Laters, Saph

5: Off home

I'm off home, I'm going back to my house in Spain. I spent 3 years there and, in all honesty, I miss it. Sometimes. I mean, there will always bad memories in every house, but I was comfortable in that house. And going to Spain, means I get to see Kitten. I miss that girl, for sure! I don't think I'll be allowed to leave that girls house when I get there haha. "You're coming to live under my bed and I will never let you leave." I think were her words. I think she's missed me too :)

So, airports, car rides and music. It's gunna be a long night me thinks

laters, Saph

4: Bad day today

Is it just me or do good days get followed by bad ones? 
Bunny kinda hurt me today as she did a few days ago as well. And this time, it was cause she lied. I used to lie all the time, but I can't now. I don't want to anyway. So I'm having a hard time understanding why she lied to me, of all people. She said she didn't have to money to hang out with me, or the time. She just couldn't. And then I find out (On Facebook, of all places) she was hanging out with my ex-bestfriend (the one that ditched me to hang out with my ex-boyfriend). And the thing that really got me was that Bunny had specifically said "She is a two-face bitch. I really don't like her..." 
So why was a second-best to her again?
Joey just said "People are morons." as he usually does, and he's right. But this is consciously being a moron rather than just "oops, i made a mistake, i'm a moron" kinda moron moment. 
I guess it just sucked is all. 
But you know what? I honestly can't be bothered any more... I'm just gonna get on with my life. I stay at home a lot. Actually, today, my dad just said "get lost" and I just said "I can't get lost. I don't leave the house." and that's sadly really true and even he knew it. I stay at home, watching tv-shows online and cooking for myself, tidying for mum and playing with my dogs, never really leaving the house... I guess, I've become a bit of a recluse. 
But college is starting in September and I'm going home, to Spain in 2 weeks. Joey is here in less than a week and nan is her tomorrow. I'll have things to do then. I guess, I've been alone too long and gotten used to being alone in the house, waiting for Mum and Dad to come home.


I'm going to go and have trouble sleeping like I have for the past week. Yay, back to not being able to sleep!


Sorry for the depressing post today, I've just had a pretty shitty day.

3: I'm happy.

Okay, so I was bulimic for about 4 years on and off. And through the help of my ex boyfriend (who broke up with me because I was "broken". Yeah, that hurt but life goes on. He turned into a jerk anway ;D) and his family, I got better. And now it's my 200 days free and I went to the cinema con mis padres! The Amazing Spider Man really lives up to the Amazing in its names! And i also found out that my favourite cinema is hiring and Mama and Papa said I can apply! Meaning I might have a job! I can't wait. I need a job, I hate taking their money, you know? Can't wait till I turn 16. 
I've had an amazing day. I'm so happy, for gosh darn sake! And you know what? I'm proud of myself. I've made it. It was hard. There were troubles. My grandfather died. My boyfriend broke up with me. My best friend ditched me. My depression kicked in just as I was getting better. But I had my family. I had my true friends, Joey, Kitten, Bunny and Jessy. They helped me save me. And now I'm happy.
So tonight, I make this post so I can look back on it. I am happy. I am happy I'm still here today. and eating. Cause common, who doesn't like a good bacon sandwich!

2: I hate spiders

So I was going to the loo at 2 in the.morning and this spider was like "hey ill just climb onto your leg and give you a deary attack" so I screamed jumped up and hit it so then it fell into the toilet and I was like "shit its coming back to kill me now" and flushed and was too scared to sit back down cause I thought it would clump back to avenge itself. Then my mum came up and was like "what's wrong" and i was like "spider" and she just said... "go to bed. Im turning the internet off" and walked off.  mother knows all.

Laters

1: brief over-view

So, I guess I should give a life story and all that jazz. But in all honesty, I think you don't really care -shrugs-
So, basics. The names Krissi. 15 at the moment. August 6th is the birthday. Art student. College in September. I hate shopping. Love dancing. I read all the time. Music/singing. And I've only lived in England for 3 years. I miss living in Spain.

Basics. All done.

Laters!